updates

Not too much to update with. My MRI is tomorrow and I am not sure what to expect. I understand what they are in theory, but the last time I was told a procedure would take no time and be painless, it was the exact opposite. So we will see.
Today begins another cycle and I am not sure what we are doing with it. I am assuming that we are doing the same old thing and then will maybe do surgery next month depending on the results.
In the meantime, I am looking for a new job and keeping busy.

Negative/Positive

Don't get too excited...
Another negative result but my positive outlook is intact this month (no ice cream necessary :-)

I didn't expect much this time around with my one measly little follicle, ovulation during my red-eye flight, and being surrounded by a house full of family during primo timing. I did hope that it would happen mainly so that I could tell my future offspring that they were truly a southern child. Not in the cards I guess.
What is in the cards is an MRI for me on Friday. Oh boy. I have never had one and am not looking forward to it, but if it brings me one step closer then I am all for it.

As for now I am polishing my resume and reading lots of newspapers so I can sound like I know what the hell I am talking about in a job interview that I hope comes my way. Somebody's got to want me, right?

Happy New Year!

I hope all is well and everyone is starting off 2007 with a bang.

I started mine off by quitting my job. I gave notice yesterday but will probably have to work for another month or so. I need a break from the mom & baby biz. SO my New Years resolution is to get myself a new j.o.b.
Almost all of my experience and education falls under the mom & baby catagory (ironic huh?) so now I am entering new territory. Wish me luck!

Holiday distractions

The holidays have been keeping me busy. I find that is a blessing and a curse. I love the distraction, but there are some holiday moments that make me long to be a mom. Watching my niece open her gifts (we had Hanukkah celebration on Sat), little girls with cute dresses and mary jane shoes at the nutcracker performance, and baking cookies. I think its hard because last year during the holidays we had been trying for 6months and I thought FOR SURE we would be pregnant before this Christmas and now I am wondering how many more holiday seasons it will be before we get there. I am hopeful that we will get there in this next year, but that's what I said last year.
As for the progress. I talked to the doc about the surgery and have to have an MRI in January. It looks like there will be another couple of cycles before the surgery happens. Hopefully one of them will be THE cycle and I can avoid the knife altogether. I am hoping 2007 will be a lucky one.

Messing with me

I am trying to get over my post negative blues and making progress and then AF has to go and mess with me. She showed up a day late and for a whole 24 hours I actually thought the test might have been wrong and got my hopes all up and stuff. Well she has arrived to crush those hopes yet again and also her tardiness messed up timing for IUI this month. Thanks bunches Flo.

Do over

It was yet another negative test result day. Apparently vacation relaxation was not helpful enough and there will be no Christmas baby miracles here. Now I have to call my doc and talk about surgery and IVF. Merry Christmas to me.

I am also out of ice cream.

Is it tomorrow yet?

Dread

I am wrapped in a sense of dread and impending doom. The time for testing is rapidly approaching and I want nothing to do with it. I want to hold on to my shred of hope that this month will be different. But alas the pee sticks must come out and I am afraid they will report the same bad news. I attempted a preemptive strike on the sadness by consuming an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's (phish food this time) but it just brought on the nausea that I was hoping to feel for a different reason. I fear that I might run out of ice cream flavors before I get the news I want.
Well, another day, another spoonful. I will keep you posted.

The name game

Vacation is great, but I have been trying to wade throughout the pile of mail and other stuff to do and have not have enough time to blog. So sorry.

Anyway, not much new on the TTC front. Still waiting. I ditched the ticker because I could never get it show the right day. But I can continue to tell you about my SIL TTC saga. There is a little (big) back story that would take too long to type but I will give you the highlights. So basically in addition TTC (yes, they know we have been trying) my BIL and SIL are threatening to steal our favorite potential girl name. Now I KNOW my worrying about this sounds stupid and petty and I realize that it kind of is, but if you knew the whole back story it would make much more sense. Anyway, when they were preg last time they asked for advice on what to name the baby and we asked them to please not name her X (our chosen name) because it was the only name that hubby and I could agree on. It was not in their top choices at the time so we didn't think it would be a big deal. Well they got all offended and said that they loved the name and might use it. Ok fine. We just thought we would ask, and they ended up using another name . No big deal UNTIL...
There was a dinner conversation on our vacation (I promptly left the table upon its beginning) and they were talking about TTC and how if they have a girl they have 2 names left from their top 3 and now my SIL doesn't like one of the other names so they think they would pick X (the name that this whole back story and argument was about).Seriously? They had to have known that this would be like rubbing salt in a wound for me, right?? It is not about the name really, but I feel like that was downright mean to talk about. She is not my favorite person right now.

SO, because I realize that this whole argument is completely stupid, I broke out the baby name book last night (yes, I have a baby name book). Hubby bought it for me when we started trying and it has been deeply buried in a drawer ever since. We went in search of a new name that we could agree on so that we could let go of the other one and so that I can not be upset when my BIL & SIL get preg before us, have a girl, and name her X. (OK I will still be upset, but I might be able to avoid unnecessary violence).

Wow, there are a lot of girls names out there and some are doozies. Yikes! I am very thankful to my parents that they spared me from the fate of some of the ones I read. We don't have any winners yet but I felt better that we found some new possibilities. I also know that all this is a little premature, but it part of the hopefull phase that I am in at the moment. One more week until we know whether or not we can put these names to good use.

Home again

Wow that was good vacation! I now have to deal with the post-vacation pile of things to do, but it was totally worth it.
On the TTC front. I (tried) not to think about it too much. We gave our best ovulation time effort and now we are waiting again. The trying not to think about it was complicated by my SIL announcing that they were also TTC again. oh joy (insert sarcasm here). So I tried not to be too paranoid about the future pregnancy announcement and the fact that it very well might come before mine. Tried being the operative word here. I also got lots of time to play with my beautiful niece. I LOVE being with her, but I must admit it does remind me of how much I want a little one of my own to play dress up with. Ahhh someday.
(hopefully before my SIL!!)

Cycle day

something or other. I am on vacation starting in five, four, three, two, one (days that is). I still have one more week, but then it is sunshine and not-so-sandy beaches! Yeah!
I do have to keep better track of my cycle this month since I am on my own but I am not stressing about it. I refuse.
When I get back, I plan to torture my husband. I am dragging him to a meditation workshop (given by my fertility clinic) and WE are joining a support group. He is being a good sport, but is just oozing reluctance. Sorry hubs, I think it help keep me sane in the long run. Don't we all want that?

Censoring my netflix

I will have to take a closer look at what movies are waiting in my queue. Last night I was an unsuspecting victim. I was subjected to a movie about a husband cheating on his infertile wife and getting his mistress pregnant. Evil Movie!!!
I have no idea what happened next. That was as much plot as I could handle. I think there should be additions to the movie rating system. How about "I" for infertility content, or maybe a scarlet "A" would be more appropriate. I will be sure to screen my movies more closely in the future.

Bouncing back

Thanks for coming to my pity party yesterday. You know I always serve the best ice cream. Thanks for sharing it with me :-)
I guess I got all of the sad and moping out yesterday because today I feel surprisingly good. Go figure. Anyway, this next month is low pressure and low expectation. We are doing things the old fashioned way (well, sort of) I still have to drug my cycle into submission, but we will be on vacation during the ultrasound/IUI portion of the month so we are on our own. No doctors, no monitoring (guess they are confident that my 14 follicle days are over) and no expectations. I figure if last month with 2 follicles and IUI didn't work that the old fashioned way is not going to cut it. So I plan to enjoy my vacation (did I mention that it was tropical!?! :-), maybe have a few well timed romantic evenings and see what happens.
If this doesn't work, my body has December to get in line or we are going under the knife. I have decided to have surgery to get rid of my uterine septum and then maybe move on to IVF.

You hear that, body? You have until January 1 or drastic measures will be taken. You have been warned.

Negative

Again.

Breakfast: Ben & Jerry's Organic Cookies & Cream

To be or not to be?

Just in case the suspense was killing you as much as it is me, I thought that I would give you an update. The last few days I have had a disappointing lack of symptoms. Plenty of energy, no nausea, no nothin. WTF?? What happened to my general malaise? I want it back! I was SURE something was happening in there. What happened??
I never thought that feeling fabulous would suck so bad. I WANT to feel crappy (as long as it is for good reason). Ugh.
The official test is tomorrow, I hope that I am pleasantly surprised, but I am feeling perfectly fine and totally unpregnant.

Maybe?

I will know nothing until Tuesday, but either I am
1. getting a cold
2. manifesting psychosomatic symptoms
3. possibly pregnant

I have had an underlying tired/not felling great all week. I actually had to take a nap the other day. I have felt the occasional twinge (although this has happened before and I still got a BFN) and, as I type I am feeling a teeny bit queasy (but this is not all that unusual for me either). Until there is a blue line or actual toilet-hugging I will not be convinced.

We will have to wait and see, but I also must confess that my hopes are WAY high this month. If I do end up with a negative I am going to need some serious stay-in-bed-and-eat-ice-cream-all-day therapy, and maybe some more of those great cyber hugs from ya'll.

Fertility camp!

I spent my whole Saturday at fertility camp. There was no bug juice or campfire songs but there were different cabins. There were the newbies who went to lectures on how to have a baby naturally. Ha! We are way past natural and were team 2 or the ART crew. Our day was filled with IVF talk and my all time favorite "time is running out" speech. Thanks. The other groups were "3rd party"- or sperm/egg donors. I am not ready for that yet. Then there was the adoption crew. I was hoping to catch a class or 2 of theirs, but hubby is still phobic. That , and we had enough info of our own to deal with.
I must say that I learned a ton. I thought that the internet was a good place to gather info, but when you gather 20-30 reproductive edocrinologists (among others) you can learn a lot. The best part was wacthing hubbys face. In the morning he was panicked and thinking we were going to fast. At the end of the day, he was ready to call the docs and start IVF next month. It was quite amazing.
I am hoping that we won't have to go there.
Although it was informative, I think making smores by a campfire would have been more fun.

Double the fun!

I had yet another ultrasound this morning and am happy to report not one but 2 happy little follicles ready and waiting. I am happy because we have double the chances (well probably not statistically, but in my head we do). I am also happy because we are doing IUI this month (intrauterine insemination) which means there is one less variable in the equation. Yeah!
I am leaving the conception totally up to the medical professionals this month and am enjoying my (less) pressure existence. I also gave up charting. Yep, I have absolutely no idea what my temperature is and I don't care. All I have to know is what day to take the preggy test.
I am just kicking back and reading the Anne Lamott books that you all suggested. I can feel the stress decreasing with every page. Thanks.

Bandwagon

I am jumping on the infertility bandwagon! I joined Resolve (the national infertility org). I have been putting it off thinking "oh, I will get pregnant this month so what's the point?" Well, the point is that sometimes a girl needs some support (although I must say you blogger friends have been fabulous).
I am a team player. I spent my life in a (semi) team sport and am missing my teammates. So I am have decided to join "Team Infertility" (aka this resolve group). GO TEAM! I am hoping with hard work I will make the varsity squad (aka Team Preggers) and then maybe, just maybe go pro with Team Mommy.
I am jumping in with both feet. I signed up for membership, signed hubby and I up for an all day symposium next weekend, and called to join a support group. I am SURE that we will get pregnant this month, but I am covering all my bases and preparing for the long haul just in case. I will fill you in on what happens at all the preggy pep rallies, and who is sucking face behind the bleachers at the games (that would be ME because babies don't come from the stork ya know). Should be good times!

This month will be different

To celebrate yet another negative result hubby bought me roses and took me out to the super fancy sushi restaurant. He is a good man who is a quick learner when it comes to keeping his crazy TTC wife happy. Yes, yesterday sucked (until the roses and dinner part) but my body and I had a little pow-wow. We talked, and decided that this is it. This is the month. I promise to keep up my end of the bargain with the healthy activities and it promises to carry a baby for nine months. That's the deal. I have moved past optimism, and protective pessimism and on to demanding what I want. There will be no more wishing and hoping and all that touchy feely crap anymore. This is it. There will be a baby this month. You hear that body....I am not even close to kidding!

shout out

I would like to give a BIG shoutout to Raybelle who is getting married this weekend!!!! Congrats to you and Beach Boy! I hope you have a wonderful time on your special day!