Liberating actually

Feeling a little bit better today. Thanks so much for all the hugs! They are just as good as the in-person kind. Hubby and I had a chat about the whole thing and he was understanding (of course) so that made me feel much better. He is trying to do little things like remove the abundance of alcohol we have in our house (we have had people over to the house quite a few times in the last couple of weeks). Everyone brings wine (which is very nice) and we had bought a bunch of beer for a BBQ and no one drank it so alcohol was literally taking over my fridge. Seriously, I could barely fit in the milk.
I have also found a silver lining in the whole TTC burnout thing. I actually think about other things during the day. My brain has shut down to the babymaking thoughts and I can think about....Whatever else. I block it out so much that I almost forgot to take my drugs the other night. I am liking the new found brain freedom.
I will keep trying to get out of this funk. Anyone have any favorite books, quotes, songs, or other means of inspiration? I need a new perspective.

SO over it

Optimism lost. The bad attitude has continued into this month's two week wait. I am over this whole TTC thing. It is not fun anymore. OK, it stopped being fun fun a long time ago, but I think I have almost reached a breaking point. I want to be done. One way or another. I am SO over feeling like this is all on me and all Hubby has to do is...ya know. I am SO over these drugs taking over my emotions and acting like crazy lunatic lady. I am way over the fact that the drugs are also causing me to pack on the pounds... The scale, Idon'twanttotalkaboutit. I am SO over the not drinking alcohol or coffee and (trying) to stay away from the ice cream. I am so over analyzing every move that I make and wondering if I am sabotaging my efforts. SO over it!!!!
The docs, my friends, and my hubby are all giving me the " It has only been 2 months since the drugs are working properly, so consider this the beginning". Beginning my ass. My psyche has been dealing with this for 14 months and it needs a break or it is going to break. I will not be much of a mom if I am huddled in a corner of a psych ward mumbling to myself. I am over ALL of it.

I am considering taking a break. Hopefully this month will work and I won't have to worry anymore, but if not, I am going to reevaluate the situation. This path is no longer working for me.

My security blanket

I love my weekly acupuncture appointment. I started going for fertility stuff, but have found it to help lots of other things as well. I also love my acupuncture too, but she is going on vacation for a month! How dare she have a life! How can she abandon me in my month of need? She has a sub, but he is not nearly as good. I guess I will have to rely on my body to pull through this month on its own (normally I would insert negative sarcastic remark here, but I am trying to be hopeful) I have an ultrasound on Saturday and will be hoping that there is something to report.

Since I am trying out the whole optimistic thing, I am hopeful that this will be a good month.

A pattern

I am noticing a pattern for my monthly TTC adventures. They begin with disappointment that the last cycle didn't work and I have to slowly work my attitude back into something that resembles optimism. That's the stage I am in currently. My hubby reminded me this morning that we have only had good chances for 2 months, and then reminded me that the stats say it can take up to a year. Yeah. Thanks hubs. The thought of this for another year makes me want to run screaming to the nearest padded room.
I am working on the next stage when the drug taking and "timing" come into play. I usually come around and am and optimistic that it could possibly happen. Then the 2 week wait when I think it might actually be happening and I get really hopeful. Then comes the testing and ...and either disappointment or may elation? Hopefully sooner than a year from now.

My goal for this month is to really try and work on the attitude. I need a new mantra. I am not sure the "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me" is going to cut it :-)

no need to shout

AF showed up at 4am this morning and she was pissed. She simply laughed at the tylenol that I threw at her. I am usually the lucky girl with no symptoms that accompany her visits. Clearly those days are over. I was already unhappy about the fact that she was coming, and this month she thought it would be funny to rub it in. I am not finding it funny at all.

My glass is half full...

of Merlot, and my plate is half full of sushi. You can all guess what that means...another big fat negative. Thankfully, two of my wonderful, beautiful, supportive Belles were at dinner with me last night and through lots of girl talk and gossip helped me to remember that a glass half full of good red wine is not such a bad thing, even when you have a uterus that is more than half empty. I love you guys. Thanks bunches.

Hope for the best...

and prepare for the BFN. My brother's visit was a great distraction, but now I have 2 days to obsess before heading to Podunk. Let me tell you that suppressing the obsession only makes it come back full force when you let down your guard.
Things I have been obsessing about:
1. There have been definite twinges this month. Can't describe them, and have no idea what they mean (maybe bad tacos, maybe a baby)
2. I am particularly sensitive at the moment. I was ready to cry last night because my souffle exploded all over my oven (mostly because now I have to clean the oven, which I hate) and this morning watching the news. There was some sad stuff, but jeez, are tears really necessary?
3. I am also playing a (sick, twisted, crazy making) little game with my leftover cheap ovulation predictor strips. I heard from a fellow blogger that they could be used as preg tests so I have tried that the last 2 days. I get 2 lines (yeah!) but do you know what that means???? SQUAT! I know that I have HCG in my system. I put it there with a large injection into my boo-tay. I know that I am not supposed to test until day 14 (next week) but I looooooove seeing those beautiful double lines. I am now trying to decide if they are getting darker or lighter. I could use an actual pregnancy test but I am too big of a chicken (besides they are much more expensive) so sadly for a real result we will all have to wait until next week. Waiting sucks.

Distraction

That's the name of the game for me during this 2 week wait.
I had a west coast belle reunion on Friday. It was great to see my old friend. Now this week my brother comes to town and then I head to Podunk for a week of southern sun. I hope to catch up with more belles while I am in town! With all of that excitement, who has time to think about pregnancy????
(Me, of course) but maybe not every second of the day. The blogging may be less in the next couple of weeks, but who wants to hear me obsess about temperatues again any anyway? I think I will spare you the boredom this month, but will take all of the crossed fingers and happy thoughts that I can get. Thanks!

the early bird gets the...sperm?

I thought that since we were doing exactly the same drug this month at exactly the same dose that things would be exactly the same as they were last month. Not so much. According to today's ultrasound we had an early bird of a follicle. I wasn't expecting anything until Saturday so I told hubby that we would be "staying in" this weekend. But much to my surprise things are ready to go today! Hubs and I have had a very "romantic" week already so surprisingly we are right on track. (I know TMI, but you knew what you were getting yourself into when you started reading). I think it would be great if things worked out this month. It would be as close to natural as we are ever going to get and I would like to think our kid was concieved out of love instead of " hey you...strip!". Whatever method produces a child will work for me, but the former is a little more warm and fuzzy. Dontcha think?

Lather, rinse, repeat

That's how I feel about this cycle. We are doing exactly the same thing we did last month. (I guess I feel ok about that). The only difference so far has been my argument with the dude at the pharmacy about the size and length of the needle that I need to inject myself in the ass. Understand that my closest pharmacy is not in a nice section of town so talk of needles apparently makes people nervous. Or maybe talk of needles makes people nervous in general. Anyway after a 10 min argument over the fact that he gave me the wrong one, I gave up. I came home and double checked the prescription (which he has a copy of) and indeed he gave me the wrong one. Now, do I really want to go and ask for the bigger, longer, scarier needle that was requested or can I get away with the small one that he gave me. Hmmm. What's a girl to do?

Trying to rally

So I had my glass of wine to mourn the last cycle and rally for the next. I am guessing we are doing the same thing this cycle as last cycle, but I put a call into the doc to see if we are changing anything. Waiting to hear back from her.

I think the beginning of the cycle is almost better than the 2 week wait becuase I am DOING stuff (taking the drugs, getting ultrasounds, and of course the FUN part). So I am trying to get my attitude adjusted again to thinking that this will be a good month for us. Still working on that.

Nope. Not this time.

Nada, zip, zero...in other words, big fat negative. Big fat shocker (note sarcasm). I have decided that instead of wallowing in self pity by submerging myself knee deep in Hagen daas I will try the gym for my attitude adjustment. Although I must admit that most of the motivation for going to the gym comes from the fact that I cannot button the top button of my favorite jeans. Up until today I was hoping it was because I was preg. HA! Nope, just too fat. Hello stairmaster, you and I are going to be friends this month. If can't have a baby I AT LEAST want to look hot in my jeans!

10 DPO

That's "days-post-ovulation" for all of you non-TTCers. That means that IF there was a happy little embryo, it should have implanted by today. The fact that I do not know if there was said embryo or if it implanted is making me crazy. I have to wait at least 4 more days before I will know anything. I can't even take a test "just to see" because my HCG shot will make it show up as a false positive. So really the pee stick won't tell me anything for sure.
My body is no help either. If I had to guess, I would say that I was not preg. I feel nothing. Not one single little bit different than I do every other day. My temps have been all over the map the last couple of days. Still in the high enough range, but not getting higher. But on the bright side, I have no PMS symptoms and if I was not on the progesterone AF would be showing up tomorrow.

So basically I am totally overanalyzing all of this and only time will tell. But could it at least hurry up already???

temps with attitude

I am happy to report that my temperatures are much better now. Up and up and up. That makes me happy, happy, happy. Starting tommorrow we enter the implantation zone (assuming there was some egg+sperm action last week) which means I will be on extra high alert for any symptoms. I will of course keep you posted.

I have no physical symptoms of anything, feel totally normal. My attitude is apparently a different story. Unlike last month when I felt yucky and blue, this month I feel fine but hubby informed me this morning that I have had "attitude" lately.
What does that mean?? Can I consider it a possible pregnancy symptom? Is there such a thing as first-trimester-pregnancy-induced-attitude? Of course when AF shows up in a week or so I will have no excuse and have to find some other explination. Oh well, until then I will pretend that my "attitude" is a good thing. Every girl should have a little attitude, right?

What the temp tells

My temperatures are making me a little nervous. They are "high" compared to the rest of the month which is supposed to mean that I ovulated like I was supposed to, but they are only a teeny bit high. Just enough. I want more. I need reassurance!
The progesterone is what makes them go up and I figure my body is supposed to be making some and then I am taking extra on top of that. Don't you think that would make my temps higher than usual? I am sure that I am over analyzing but I keep waiting for my temps to creep their way up. Come on, you can do it! Higher temperatures means good things. After next week it could mean VERY good things. In the mean time, I will continue to analyze every temperature and twinge in my body, hoping for a sign. At the very least I want a sign that the ovulation was successful, and at the most...well you can guess. ( I am too nervous to even type the thought. I am afraid to get my hopes up) . I am here, waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping....

Update: My temp was ever-so-slightly higher this morning. That makes me exponentially happier.

It's all good :-)

This is my first fully functioning, appropriate timing, there is a chance (albeit slim) that I might actually get pregnant this month, cycle. Everything worked! My one follicle matured beautifully. I got an HCG shot, and we followed all medical advise for "timing". Now with the help of extra progesterone we hope for a cushy lining and we wait. Hang with me for the trying-not-to-get-my-hopes-up 2 weeks and we will see what happens. We are getting closer :-) Yeah!!!!!

Ladylike

This month, my ovaries have decided to behave like the ladies that I have tried to encourage them to be. They did what the new drugs told them to and made a cute little semi-mature follicle. And yes I said a follicle...as in one, not 14. Now I can rejoin the ranks of most other women in the world who produce one follicle a month. Slowly (very slowly) but surely we are getting closer to parenthood The ladies are learning. I am so proud.

The docs want to check up on my prize follicle on Saturday, so off to another ultrasound we will go, AND because it is on a Saturday I am making hubby come with me. It irritates me that he has yet to see the inside of a clinic since the beginning of all of this TTC stuff. So I made it perfectly clear that this weekend there would be no golf/soccer/bike rides/etc and that he will be staring at fuzzy black and white pictures of my ovaries. Boy was he excited.

Thanks for the good thoughts and crossed fingers. Keep them crossed, we still need ovulation but things are looking good! I think we may have found our drug of choice. I have not had the crazy emotional side effects that the clomid gave me. I feel like myself again (which means still crazy...but in a good way :-)

Until Saturday!

Ouch!

In the name of "I'll try anything once" and my upcoming wedding anniversary I decided to get a bikini wax. I have never had anything waxed before (no, not even my eyebrows). Since I was being adventurous, I opted for a more exotic version. All I can say is OUCH! What was I thinking??? Of course, since I had undergone all of that pain in the name of love for my hubby (and since I was already at the spa) I decided that his anniversary gift to me would a nice, relaxing, facial. I felt much better after that. Thanks honey.

I realize that this is more information than you probably care to know about me, but I offer this as a warning to those potentially contemplating this little procedure. I am down with the waxing but I advise sticking to the more conservative American version.

On the fertility front: I have another ultrasound on Wed. and I wonder if I will get a raised eyebrow from my doc when she sees the new "do". We shall see! We shall also see if the new drugs are working (but not too well). So far so good. I have not been crying at commercials, but both my TV and my computer are currently broken. (I am coming to you from hubby's computer). Not sure how much blogging will be done in the near future, but I will try and pop in.

Another Round!

Oh how I wish that meant "another round ...of alcoholic drinks" but alas, I am referring to another round of fertility fun. AF showed up right on time and I put in my obligatory call to the fertility doc. New drugs in a few days (beware of more insanity) ultrasound a week later.
I must admit, I am tired of doing all the "right" things to make this happen. This month I want to hike to a mountain top, have potfulls of coffee, and go out partying all night while drinking lots of wine! Will I do all of these things?? No. I will drink my green tea on the drive from my acupunturist to my yoga class. I will go to bed at 9pm and there will be no partying. I am lame, and obsessed with all of this and would feel completely guilty if I did anything that could jeopardize this cycle. Of course, if this cycle works, I get to pat myself on the back and say that it was all because I was in tune with my body and followed all of the directions. (I would skip the part about the powerful drugs and close monitoring by medical professionals) Nope, if this cycle (or one in the future) is successful I am taking ALL of the credit. Well, I guess I could give hubby a little credit too...but just a little :-) Hopefully this will be our month!

P.S. The ovulation counter above is actually (shockingly and coincidentally) on the right day!!

The funky fourth

This weekend was quite an adventure. Hubby and I went to the wedding of 2 Iron Man Triathletes. There was a not-so-mini triathalon, major hike, a soccer/football game (he is English), oh and dancing in high heels (which totally counts as an athletic event, btw). You would think that with all of that exercise, outdoor activity, and lovey sentimental stuff I would have been in a great mood. But no, it appears that I am no longer in charge of my mood, and it no longer needs rhyme or reason to go sour. I admit, I am prone to being in the occasional funk. It often coincides with crappy weather, but this time there was no explanation. I think it may have had a little to do with the multitude of children and big preggy bellies, at the wedding. These are my friends so I love playing with the kids and am thrilled for the preggy ones, but I guess I felt left out. Hubby and I were the only 2 non-newlyweds that didn’t have kids or one on the way. It was a bummer.

I guess my previous pity party turned into a low grade funk, but I feel like I am coming out of it now. I had much alcohol at the wedding. Hubby could tell I was in a funk and valiantly offered be the sober driver home from the wedding (even though the couple were more his friends than mine). That’s true love for ya.

On the upside I should get a visit from AF soon and we can start another round. Stay tuned.