Liberating actually

Feeling a little bit better today. Thanks so much for all the hugs! They are just as good as the in-person kind. Hubby and I had a chat about the whole thing and he was understanding (of course) so that made me feel much better. He is trying to do little things like remove the abundance of alcohol we have in our house (we have had people over to the house quite a few times in the last couple of weeks). Everyone brings wine (which is very nice) and we had bought a bunch of beer for a BBQ and no one drank it so alcohol was literally taking over my fridge. Seriously, I could barely fit in the milk.
I have also found a silver lining in the whole TTC burnout thing. I actually think about other things during the day. My brain has shut down to the babymaking thoughts and I can think about....Whatever else. I block it out so much that I almost forgot to take my drugs the other night. I am liking the new found brain freedom.
I will keep trying to get out of this funk. Anyone have any favorite books, quotes, songs, or other means of inspiration? I need a new perspective.

SO over it

Optimism lost. The bad attitude has continued into this month's two week wait. I am over this whole TTC thing. It is not fun anymore. OK, it stopped being fun fun a long time ago, but I think I have almost reached a breaking point. I want to be done. One way or another. I am SO over feeling like this is all on me and all Hubby has to do is...ya know. I am SO over these drugs taking over my emotions and acting like crazy lunatic lady. I am way over the fact that the drugs are also causing me to pack on the pounds... The scale, Idon'twanttotalkaboutit. I am SO over the not drinking alcohol or coffee and (trying) to stay away from the ice cream. I am so over analyzing every move that I make and wondering if I am sabotaging my efforts. SO over it!!!!
The docs, my friends, and my hubby are all giving me the " It has only been 2 months since the drugs are working properly, so consider this the beginning". Beginning my ass. My psyche has been dealing with this for 14 months and it needs a break or it is going to break. I will not be much of a mom if I am huddled in a corner of a psych ward mumbling to myself. I am over ALL of it.

I am considering taking a break. Hopefully this month will work and I won't have to worry anymore, but if not, I am going to reevaluate the situation. This path is no longer working for me.

My security blanket

I love my weekly acupuncture appointment. I started going for fertility stuff, but have found it to help lots of other things as well. I also love my acupuncture too, but she is going on vacation for a month! How dare she have a life! How can she abandon me in my month of need? She has a sub, but he is not nearly as good. I guess I will have to rely on my body to pull through this month on its own (normally I would insert negative sarcastic remark here, but I am trying to be hopeful) I have an ultrasound on Saturday and will be hoping that there is something to report.

Since I am trying out the whole optimistic thing, I am hopeful that this will be a good month.

A pattern

I am noticing a pattern for my monthly TTC adventures. They begin with disappointment that the last cycle didn't work and I have to slowly work my attitude back into something that resembles optimism. That's the stage I am in currently. My hubby reminded me this morning that we have only had good chances for 2 months, and then reminded me that the stats say it can take up to a year. Yeah. Thanks hubs. The thought of this for another year makes me want to run screaming to the nearest padded room.
I am working on the next stage when the drug taking and "timing" come into play. I usually come around and am and optimistic that it could possibly happen. Then the 2 week wait when I think it might actually be happening and I get really hopeful. Then comes the testing and ...and either disappointment or may elation? Hopefully sooner than a year from now.

My goal for this month is to really try and work on the attitude. I need a new mantra. I am not sure the "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me" is going to cut it :-)

no need to shout

AF showed up at 4am this morning and she was pissed. She simply laughed at the tylenol that I threw at her. I am usually the lucky girl with no symptoms that accompany her visits. Clearly those days are over. I was already unhappy about the fact that she was coming, and this month she thought it would be funny to rub it in. I am not finding it funny at all.

My glass is half full...

of Merlot, and my plate is half full of sushi. You can all guess what that means...another big fat negative. Thankfully, two of my wonderful, beautiful, supportive Belles were at dinner with me last night and through lots of girl talk and gossip helped me to remember that a glass half full of good red wine is not such a bad thing, even when you have a uterus that is more than half empty. I love you guys. Thanks bunches.

Hope for the best...

and prepare for the BFN. My brother's visit was a great distraction, but now I have 2 days to obsess before heading to Podunk. Let me tell you that suppressing the obsession only makes it come back full force when you let down your guard.
Things I have been obsessing about:
1. There have been definite twinges this month. Can't describe them, and have no idea what they mean (maybe bad tacos, maybe a baby)
2. I am particularly sensitive at the moment. I was ready to cry last night because my souffle exploded all over my oven (mostly because now I have to clean the oven, which I hate) and this morning watching the news. There was some sad stuff, but jeez, are tears really necessary?
3. I am also playing a (sick, twisted, crazy making) little game with my leftover cheap ovulation predictor strips. I heard from a fellow blogger that they could be used as preg tests so I have tried that the last 2 days. I get 2 lines (yeah!) but do you know what that means???? SQUAT! I know that I have HCG in my system. I put it there with a large injection into my boo-tay. I know that I am not supposed to test until day 14 (next week) but I looooooove seeing those beautiful double lines. I am now trying to decide if they are getting darker or lighter. I could use an actual pregnancy test but I am too big of a chicken (besides they are much more expensive) so sadly for a real result we will all have to wait until next week. Waiting sucks.