The name game

Vacation is great, but I have been trying to wade throughout the pile of mail and other stuff to do and have not have enough time to blog. So sorry.

Anyway, not much new on the TTC front. Still waiting. I ditched the ticker because I could never get it show the right day. But I can continue to tell you about my SIL TTC saga. There is a little (big) back story that would take too long to type but I will give you the highlights. So basically in addition TTC (yes, they know we have been trying) my BIL and SIL are threatening to steal our favorite potential girl name. Now I KNOW my worrying about this sounds stupid and petty and I realize that it kind of is, but if you knew the whole back story it would make much more sense. Anyway, when they were preg last time they asked for advice on what to name the baby and we asked them to please not name her X (our chosen name) because it was the only name that hubby and I could agree on. It was not in their top choices at the time so we didn't think it would be a big deal. Well they got all offended and said that they loved the name and might use it. Ok fine. We just thought we would ask, and they ended up using another name . No big deal UNTIL...
There was a dinner conversation on our vacation (I promptly left the table upon its beginning) and they were talking about TTC and how if they have a girl they have 2 names left from their top 3 and now my SIL doesn't like one of the other names so they think they would pick X (the name that this whole back story and argument was about).Seriously? They had to have known that this would be like rubbing salt in a wound for me, right?? It is not about the name really, but I feel like that was downright mean to talk about. She is not my favorite person right now.

SO, because I realize that this whole argument is completely stupid, I broke out the baby name book last night (yes, I have a baby name book). Hubby bought it for me when we started trying and it has been deeply buried in a drawer ever since. We went in search of a new name that we could agree on so that we could let go of the other one and so that I can not be upset when my BIL & SIL get preg before us, have a girl, and name her X. (OK I will still be upset, but I might be able to avoid unnecessary violence).

Wow, there are a lot of girls names out there and some are doozies. Yikes! I am very thankful to my parents that they spared me from the fate of some of the ones I read. We don't have any winners yet but I felt better that we found some new possibilities. I also know that all this is a little premature, but it part of the hopefull phase that I am in at the moment. One more week until we know whether or not we can put these names to good use.

Home again

Wow that was good vacation! I now have to deal with the post-vacation pile of things to do, but it was totally worth it.
On the TTC front. I (tried) not to think about it too much. We gave our best ovulation time effort and now we are waiting again. The trying not to think about it was complicated by my SIL announcing that they were also TTC again. oh joy (insert sarcasm here). So I tried not to be too paranoid about the future pregnancy announcement and the fact that it very well might come before mine. Tried being the operative word here. I also got lots of time to play with my beautiful niece. I LOVE being with her, but I must admit it does remind me of how much I want a little one of my own to play dress up with. Ahhh someday.
(hopefully before my SIL!!)

Cycle day

something or other. I am on vacation starting in five, four, three, two, one (days that is). I still have one more week, but then it is sunshine and not-so-sandy beaches! Yeah!
I do have to keep better track of my cycle this month since I am on my own but I am not stressing about it. I refuse.
When I get back, I plan to torture my husband. I am dragging him to a meditation workshop (given by my fertility clinic) and WE are joining a support group. He is being a good sport, but is just oozing reluctance. Sorry hubs, I think it help keep me sane in the long run. Don't we all want that?

Censoring my netflix

I will have to take a closer look at what movies are waiting in my queue. Last night I was an unsuspecting victim. I was subjected to a movie about a husband cheating on his infertile wife and getting his mistress pregnant. Evil Movie!!!
I have no idea what happened next. That was as much plot as I could handle. I think there should be additions to the movie rating system. How about "I" for infertility content, or maybe a scarlet "A" would be more appropriate. I will be sure to screen my movies more closely in the future.

Bouncing back

Thanks for coming to my pity party yesterday. You know I always serve the best ice cream. Thanks for sharing it with me :-)
I guess I got all of the sad and moping out yesterday because today I feel surprisingly good. Go figure. Anyway, this next month is low pressure and low expectation. We are doing things the old fashioned way (well, sort of) I still have to drug my cycle into submission, but we will be on vacation during the ultrasound/IUI portion of the month so we are on our own. No doctors, no monitoring (guess they are confident that my 14 follicle days are over) and no expectations. I figure if last month with 2 follicles and IUI didn't work that the old fashioned way is not going to cut it. So I plan to enjoy my vacation (did I mention that it was tropical!?! :-), maybe have a few well timed romantic evenings and see what happens.
If this doesn't work, my body has December to get in line or we are going under the knife. I have decided to have surgery to get rid of my uterine septum and then maybe move on to IVF.

You hear that, body? You have until January 1 or drastic measures will be taken. You have been warned.

Negative

Again.

Breakfast: Ben & Jerry's Organic Cookies & Cream

To be or not to be?

Just in case the suspense was killing you as much as it is me, I thought that I would give you an update. The last few days I have had a disappointing lack of symptoms. Plenty of energy, no nausea, no nothin. WTF?? What happened to my general malaise? I want it back! I was SURE something was happening in there. What happened??
I never thought that feeling fabulous would suck so bad. I WANT to feel crappy (as long as it is for good reason). Ugh.
The official test is tomorrow, I hope that I am pleasantly surprised, but I am feeling perfectly fine and totally unpregnant.

Maybe?

I will know nothing until Tuesday, but either I am
1. getting a cold
2. manifesting psychosomatic symptoms
3. possibly pregnant

I have had an underlying tired/not felling great all week. I actually had to take a nap the other day. I have felt the occasional twinge (although this has happened before and I still got a BFN) and, as I type I am feeling a teeny bit queasy (but this is not all that unusual for me either). Until there is a blue line or actual toilet-hugging I will not be convinced.

We will have to wait and see, but I also must confess that my hopes are WAY high this month. If I do end up with a negative I am going to need some serious stay-in-bed-and-eat-ice-cream-all-day therapy, and maybe some more of those great cyber hugs from ya'll.

Fertility camp!

I spent my whole Saturday at fertility camp. There was no bug juice or campfire songs but there were different cabins. There were the newbies who went to lectures on how to have a baby naturally. Ha! We are way past natural and were team 2 or the ART crew. Our day was filled with IVF talk and my all time favorite "time is running out" speech. Thanks. The other groups were "3rd party"- or sperm/egg donors. I am not ready for that yet. Then there was the adoption crew. I was hoping to catch a class or 2 of theirs, but hubby is still phobic. That , and we had enough info of our own to deal with.
I must say that I learned a ton. I thought that the internet was a good place to gather info, but when you gather 20-30 reproductive edocrinologists (among others) you can learn a lot. The best part was wacthing hubbys face. In the morning he was panicked and thinking we were going to fast. At the end of the day, he was ready to call the docs and start IVF next month. It was quite amazing.
I am hoping that we won't have to go there.
Although it was informative, I think making smores by a campfire would have been more fun.

Double the fun!

I had yet another ultrasound this morning and am happy to report not one but 2 happy little follicles ready and waiting. I am happy because we have double the chances (well probably not statistically, but in my head we do). I am also happy because we are doing IUI this month (intrauterine insemination) which means there is one less variable in the equation. Yeah!
I am leaving the conception totally up to the medical professionals this month and am enjoying my (less) pressure existence. I also gave up charting. Yep, I have absolutely no idea what my temperature is and I don't care. All I have to know is what day to take the preggy test.
I am just kicking back and reading the Anne Lamott books that you all suggested. I can feel the stress decreasing with every page. Thanks.

Bandwagon

I am jumping on the infertility bandwagon! I joined Resolve (the national infertility org). I have been putting it off thinking "oh, I will get pregnant this month so what's the point?" Well, the point is that sometimes a girl needs some support (although I must say you blogger friends have been fabulous).
I am a team player. I spent my life in a (semi) team sport and am missing my teammates. So I am have decided to join "Team Infertility" (aka this resolve group). GO TEAM! I am hoping with hard work I will make the varsity squad (aka Team Preggers) and then maybe, just maybe go pro with Team Mommy.
I am jumping in with both feet. I signed up for membership, signed hubby and I up for an all day symposium next weekend, and called to join a support group. I am SURE that we will get pregnant this month, but I am covering all my bases and preparing for the long haul just in case. I will fill you in on what happens at all the preggy pep rallies, and who is sucking face behind the bleachers at the games (that would be ME because babies don't come from the stork ya know). Should be good times!

This month will be different

To celebrate yet another negative result hubby bought me roses and took me out to the super fancy sushi restaurant. He is a good man who is a quick learner when it comes to keeping his crazy TTC wife happy. Yes, yesterday sucked (until the roses and dinner part) but my body and I had a little pow-wow. We talked, and decided that this is it. This is the month. I promise to keep up my end of the bargain with the healthy activities and it promises to carry a baby for nine months. That's the deal. I have moved past optimism, and protective pessimism and on to demanding what I want. There will be no more wishing and hoping and all that touchy feely crap anymore. This is it. There will be a baby this month. You hear that body....I am not even close to kidding!

shout out

I would like to give a BIG shoutout to Raybelle who is getting married this weekend!!!! Congrats to you and Beach Boy! I hope you have a wonderful time on your special day!

Liberating actually

Feeling a little bit better today. Thanks so much for all the hugs! They are just as good as the in-person kind. Hubby and I had a chat about the whole thing and he was understanding (of course) so that made me feel much better. He is trying to do little things like remove the abundance of alcohol we have in our house (we have had people over to the house quite a few times in the last couple of weeks). Everyone brings wine (which is very nice) and we had bought a bunch of beer for a BBQ and no one drank it so alcohol was literally taking over my fridge. Seriously, I could barely fit in the milk.
I have also found a silver lining in the whole TTC burnout thing. I actually think about other things during the day. My brain has shut down to the babymaking thoughts and I can think about....Whatever else. I block it out so much that I almost forgot to take my drugs the other night. I am liking the new found brain freedom.
I will keep trying to get out of this funk. Anyone have any favorite books, quotes, songs, or other means of inspiration? I need a new perspective.

SO over it

Optimism lost. The bad attitude has continued into this month's two week wait. I am over this whole TTC thing. It is not fun anymore. OK, it stopped being fun fun a long time ago, but I think I have almost reached a breaking point. I want to be done. One way or another. I am SO over feeling like this is all on me and all Hubby has to do is...ya know. I am SO over these drugs taking over my emotions and acting like crazy lunatic lady. I am way over the fact that the drugs are also causing me to pack on the pounds... The scale, Idon'twanttotalkaboutit. I am SO over the not drinking alcohol or coffee and (trying) to stay away from the ice cream. I am so over analyzing every move that I make and wondering if I am sabotaging my efforts. SO over it!!!!
The docs, my friends, and my hubby are all giving me the " It has only been 2 months since the drugs are working properly, so consider this the beginning". Beginning my ass. My psyche has been dealing with this for 14 months and it needs a break or it is going to break. I will not be much of a mom if I am huddled in a corner of a psych ward mumbling to myself. I am over ALL of it.

I am considering taking a break. Hopefully this month will work and I won't have to worry anymore, but if not, I am going to reevaluate the situation. This path is no longer working for me.

My security blanket

I love my weekly acupuncture appointment. I started going for fertility stuff, but have found it to help lots of other things as well. I also love my acupuncture too, but she is going on vacation for a month! How dare she have a life! How can she abandon me in my month of need? She has a sub, but he is not nearly as good. I guess I will have to rely on my body to pull through this month on its own (normally I would insert negative sarcastic remark here, but I am trying to be hopeful) I have an ultrasound on Saturday and will be hoping that there is something to report.

Since I am trying out the whole optimistic thing, I am hopeful that this will be a good month.

A pattern

I am noticing a pattern for my monthly TTC adventures. They begin with disappointment that the last cycle didn't work and I have to slowly work my attitude back into something that resembles optimism. That's the stage I am in currently. My hubby reminded me this morning that we have only had good chances for 2 months, and then reminded me that the stats say it can take up to a year. Yeah. Thanks hubs. The thought of this for another year makes me want to run screaming to the nearest padded room.
I am working on the next stage when the drug taking and "timing" come into play. I usually come around and am and optimistic that it could possibly happen. Then the 2 week wait when I think it might actually be happening and I get really hopeful. Then comes the testing and ...and either disappointment or may elation? Hopefully sooner than a year from now.

My goal for this month is to really try and work on the attitude. I need a new mantra. I am not sure the "I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me" is going to cut it :-)

no need to shout

AF showed up at 4am this morning and she was pissed. She simply laughed at the tylenol that I threw at her. I am usually the lucky girl with no symptoms that accompany her visits. Clearly those days are over. I was already unhappy about the fact that she was coming, and this month she thought it would be funny to rub it in. I am not finding it funny at all.

My glass is half full...

of Merlot, and my plate is half full of sushi. You can all guess what that means...another big fat negative. Thankfully, two of my wonderful, beautiful, supportive Belles were at dinner with me last night and through lots of girl talk and gossip helped me to remember that a glass half full of good red wine is not such a bad thing, even when you have a uterus that is more than half empty. I love you guys. Thanks bunches.

Hope for the best...

and prepare for the BFN. My brother's visit was a great distraction, but now I have 2 days to obsess before heading to Podunk. Let me tell you that suppressing the obsession only makes it come back full force when you let down your guard.
Things I have been obsessing about:
1. There have been definite twinges this month. Can't describe them, and have no idea what they mean (maybe bad tacos, maybe a baby)
2. I am particularly sensitive at the moment. I was ready to cry last night because my souffle exploded all over my oven (mostly because now I have to clean the oven, which I hate) and this morning watching the news. There was some sad stuff, but jeez, are tears really necessary?
3. I am also playing a (sick, twisted, crazy making) little game with my leftover cheap ovulation predictor strips. I heard from a fellow blogger that they could be used as preg tests so I have tried that the last 2 days. I get 2 lines (yeah!) but do you know what that means???? SQUAT! I know that I have HCG in my system. I put it there with a large injection into my boo-tay. I know that I am not supposed to test until day 14 (next week) but I looooooove seeing those beautiful double lines. I am now trying to decide if they are getting darker or lighter. I could use an actual pregnancy test but I am too big of a chicken (besides they are much more expensive) so sadly for a real result we will all have to wait until next week. Waiting sucks.